Next meeting: Second Wednesday of September at ParkWood Diner, 8:30 P.M.
For those who attended this week’s meeting, thanks very much for coming. Excited to say it’s our biggest attendance ever, with 13 guys including myself. It’s the first time I’ve considered splitting up into two groups to have two separate conversations. Two other dads said not to do this, however, so we didn’t.
Lot of good discussion but one of the main topics which was very relevant to me was the question, “How often do you lose it with your kids?” Apparently a lot of us deal with anger (as we’re human) and it was helpful to know that other guys go through this as well. A new dad had a great suggestion - give yourself a time out and tell your kids you’re doing so. Let them know you need to get out of the room and they’ll see they’ve affected you. Another dad said to let your kids know that what they’ve done has made you said. Not to focus on the guilt, but to show them the effects of their behavior rather than just getting angry.
Short answer, however (at least for me) is that being a dad is hard. It’s really hard to get up with the kids, take care of them until you work, be right back with the kids the moment you’re done working, and not have anything akin to time to yourself until 8:30 or 9:00 at night. Add to that the guilt I personally feel when I see our babysitter (I work from home so can see this) reading to my kids or playing games with them that I’d like to be doing. It really sucks that I’m tired most of the time I’m with my kids and short-tempered and itching to watch TV.
Just trying to keep it real here. I know we’re all human but I just don’t want my “humanness” to take precedence over loving my kids well. Having this group is really helpful to me so I can hear other dads with the same struggles. Make me want to work harder to avoid angry situations since I see other dads who have good solutions when they struggle as I do.
A quick personal note here as well on a faith related side of things - I prayed for my kids for the first time in a number of weeks the other day. I say prayers with them every day. But I prayed for them when they were asleep and was mystified I’m not doing that more often. That act alone ups the empathy meter for me and allows me to have more grace when I need it most. (Please note our group is non-demonitational and open to anyone of any faith or belief; but thought that was of interest to note and it is solely my viewpoint).
All dads and dads to be are welcome for our next Pop Culture meeting on Wednesday, August 8th 2007.
Where: Parkwood Diner, Springfield Avenue in Maplewood, NJ
When: 8:30-10ish (PM)
Hope to see you there!
I recorded my first show with my dad last week that you can listen to by clicking the player above. This is definitely a part one, as I’d love to hear more from my dad on what it means/meant to be a dad in his generation (and his dad’s) in relation to the culture.
Thanks to all the dads who came last night and our newest dad, Charlie. We’ll be meeting again (tentatively) on Wednesday, August 1st so please reserve the date.
JCH
I’m a simple man with a strong love for the sport of golf. Now I know some would say that golf is NOT a sport but I have to disagree. After a round of golf, especially walking a course like Bethpage Black, my body is sore for a few days. This is my simple definition of sport: the use of your muscles in repetitive ways, other than walking and talking, constitutes sport in my book. But like I said, this is my interpretation.
I’m going to be hosting a live call-in show via BlogTalkRadio this Sunday. You can click the link below or visit my host profile page for more information. The idea is pretty simple, however. Just call (646) 716-7910 this Sunday at 1:30 P.M. Eastern and you can ask me, my dad or brother any questions about our show. (Please note I haven’t confirmed my dad and brother are free at this time - I’m shamelessly posting, however, to lovingly pressure them into doing this with me).
The picture above is from a recent photo shoot that TIME magazine did on us for an upcoming article. Needless to say, we’re quite pumped they’re going to be featuring us. So thanks to Lisa (the article writer) for giving me a jump start to repopulate this blog and start a show that will hopefully help dads virtually the way the current one has in person.
Had a great time with friends yesterday on the Fourth. Went to their house and they had cooked up a bunch o’ wonderful treats. We sat on their wonderful screen porch and watched as my two kids whipped in and outside, slamming the screen door as they did so.
Of course, after about fifteen minutes they got bored with this and went to play with the two beach balls in the back yard. The fact they were different sizes of course meant they went into, “I want THAT ball” mode and fought accordingly as are the stated rules of sibling rivalry. And when as a parent you sigh and feel a year of your life slipping off the far end of your 100 years or so.
Okay, I’m exaggerating a little, but when your kids are four and two (as mine are) it’s simply just a really hard physical time to be a parent. My daughter is amazingly high spirited and TOTALLY fun to hang out with. But you have to be in shape and buy into the fact you won’t sit pretty much the whole time you’re with her. My son isn’t like that - he’ll perch in one place or do a craft. Girlie is only happy when hurling about, akin to the with on the old Bugs Bunny cartoons who would zip away and leave behind only her hairpins in midair as she moved so quickly.
I don’t really have a lesson here except to say it’s vital that my wife and I hire a babysitter more to get some date nights and time away. I fight the feelings of guilt associated with not wanting to be with my kids all the time and love them effectively and play board games that will improve their SAT’s or teach them French or whatever But we don’t have family nearby so can only pay for folks to help out watching our kids. And we want our babysitters to really interact with our kids, so we won’t hire just anybody. So it’s a challenge.
But we’re going to start hiring someone more often and budget accordingly. We’ve come to realize that even one or two days away is not enough to really get us back to square zero in terms of being totally effective parents for our kids, “effective” meaning fully present with them and not just shepherding them through the day so we can get them into bed and have an hour or two of precious parent time.
So let me ask you - are you allowing enough time for yourself? The irony is that if you aren’t, you’re not giving your kids real time with you anyway.
Of course I’m a proud dad. But look at the expression on this face. Really interesting. I’ll take some more to document them over the next few weeks because they’re really funny and/or unique. He also uses scissors remarkably well. Better than me, actually.
But at the moment he won’t go to sleep and it’s after 9:00. Ironically I’m blogging about him versus interacting with him. But it is after 9 and all.
If you’re a dad or dad to be, please join us at the ParkWood Diner on Springfield Avenue in Maplewood at 8:30 P.M. Meetings typically go until 10:00 P.M. or so.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at: johnchavens at yahoo.com or 917-597-3323.
John C. Havens
Founder, “Pop” Culture
Hey all,
Happy new year! Next meeting details (come one, come all dads or dads to be):
Tuesday night, January 16th
8:30-10ish
ParkWood Diner on Springfield Ave in Maplewood, NJ
Questions: email John C. Havens at johnchavens@yahoo.com or call my cell: 917-597-3323.
Look forward to seeing you there.
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